A Blender Has Other Settings Why is it that         every time someone uses a blender,         metaphorically, they always set it on “puree”? A blender has other settings         like whip,         and beat,         and liquify. Why not whip your brainchild hamster or goldfish? Or beat him?         Because that’s too violent.         Because the PTA and PETA will be on our necks         ripping out our jugulars like a phalanx of nescient mountain cats so our shirts become sodden and our eyes rush back in our misbegotten skulls and we can’t watch the hamster irrecoverably agonize         through a glass safety jar. For shame. “Puree” is sophisticated.         It’s French. It lets us whip our hamster’s fragile flesh and tiny little bones         into a sadistic strawberry smoothie without         the disquieted looks, shocked eyebrows, and         that petulant stillness, so still you can even hear someone thinking “monster, madman, don some damn decency!” Ah ha!         That’s the key. To be violent, vicious, vehemently villainous! but retain a sense of lofty sophistication         like Hannibal, pureed and presented with pristine parsley.         -Fritz Hodges
Deviant Art Link
I really liked this one, seems nobody else did though. Bagh.